Hello my friend,
In bed with a sore throat, chills, and an achy body, I have Covid for the first time, after years of caution, and all I can think about is him.
My beloved. He’s immunocompromised. If he gets Covid, it could be dire.
If I knew my beloved was safe, I would relax, take it easy, and ride the waves of being sick.
If I knew he was safe, I would close all my electronics and snuggle deep in my covers.
If I knew, I would sleep.
But I don’t know. I can’t know. I won’t know my beloved’s safe until he is. Or until he isn’t.
The unknown makes us Go Crazy.
When I first tested positive, I didn’t rest. I started a hunt for Paxlovid. Not exactly for me, but for my husband if he tested positive and couldn’t get a prescription for Paxlovid for himself.
You’d think I’d simply go to my PCP and get a prescription, right? Calm. Easy. Rational.
Instead, in a frenzy, with a fever, I almost drove across state lines to meet with a mysterious doctor located four states away — via FaceTime.
I know.
The crazy started right away. I’m in a southern state, but my PCP is far north, and her nurse practitioner said my PCP couldn’t write me a prescription if I wasn’t in her state. She sent me to a state government site, where a representative told me, again, I needed to be physically present in-state. This person suggested the local Urgent Care.
I scheduled an appointment online. Texts came soon after, telling me to answer a coming phone call that they promised wasn’t spam. None of this made sense, so I called the Urgent Care clinic.
“We have no appointments for today,” said the woman on the line. “And we don’t take walk-ins.”
“But I have an online appointment,” I said, while still standing, sweating and freezing.
“Oh, we don’t take online appointments at this time,” she said.
My phone pinged. Another text: Urgent Care will be calling you soon. This is not spam. I ended my call with the woman and answered the call from a friendly young man.
He asked me if I was located in the state next to my current state. The Urgent Care doctor on call lived in yet another state but was registered to practice medicine in the state next to mine and could see me over FaceTime.
“I can be there in 40 minutes,” I said. Which was true. If I got in my car and drove across the border, I could have a video call with a doctor who would not actually know if I was in Alaska or Patagonia – but who might give me a prescription that I’d presumably need to pick up in that bordering state. Then I’d be sure my beloved would have the medicine that might (or might not) protect him when (if) he tested positive just in case he couldn’t get the medicine in time himself (or maybe he could?).
It made sense, right? It was necessary, right? I’d do anything, right? Driving 40 minutes out of state was the right kind of crazy, right?
But as I stuffed my nightgown into the waistband of my jeans, a sliver of lucidity broke through.
I said to the young man on the phone, “This is getting too weird. Give me your number and I’ll call you back. I need to regroup.”
A friend called and helped ground me. Yes. That was nuts.
I logged into the patient portal for my PCP’s practice, and I wrote to her. I explained the insanity I was going through, and my frustration and disappointment.
She wrote back quickly. “I can prescribe Paxlovid through this patient portal if you respond ‘affirmative’ to the request.”
What? The? F***?
My PCP agreed the rules and conditions we were dealing with were absurd. She did not recommend I get the drug because my symptoms did not present a need and could cause worse side and long-term effects. I got the prescription filled anyway, just in case, you know, my honey couldn’t get his. I don’t remember who picked it up.
Return to Sanity
We go crazy sometimes. It’s human. Survival instincts rise through our body and dictate action. Health, love, money: all of it can turn us nutty.
We also have the capacity to return to sanity, our natural state of calm, clarity, and connection.
We can do this with practice. We build muscles to meet crazy by practicing sufficiency.
Sufficiency grows in our bones with each realization that we are Okay, right now, in this moment, and the next. Our body registers safety. It softens and settles. We come home to sanity. We come home to safety.
I am practicing sufficiency in the midst of Covid by cleaning the kitchen sink.
No kidding.
My honey and I live in a small golf cottage for non-golfers. We are sick. Our stuff is everywhere. The place is a wreck.
Once or twice a day, I stand, wearing my mask, in the main room of the cottage and see the boxes, the bags, the suitcases, the mounds of “please take care of me” items.
And I clean the sink.
Usually, given the cyclone in my view, I would clean everything. But now, as long as the sink is clean, I feel ok.
Sufficiency fills my being. My body softens. A thought floats up: “Gayle, you are most important right now, maybe always.” Just call me the Kitchen Sink Goddess. (I admit on my fourth day of sickness, I did replace the paper towels, too, which felt thrilling, almost naughty!)
Sufficiency is our vital practice for sanity, as we rock with the wild currents. Sometimes it is health, but money is often the wildest current.
Create a practice to build your sufficiency bones and engage. See what happens over the days and months when life throws you a curve ball. That thread of lucidity comes through pointing you to clarity just when you need it the most.
Doing Covid and releasing crazy,
Tiny Body Practice
Notes of Gratitude
Reading this blog, you are aware that my Thanksgiving was spent with a new friend named Covid. Covid was not in our plans, but that’s our 2022 Thanksgiving reality. During the day of Thanksgiving and the long weekend, I turned toward gratitude, away from my disappointment and dismantled plans to gather with family in another state. I was sad, and it would have been very easy to stay in my sadness. Instead, I chose to write notes of gratitude to people I cherish.
Nothing propels a better state of mind and a wider heart than appreciation. Focus on who you love, why, and write those messages on paper. Letters are a real thing. You don’t even have to Google it.
Preparation:
Retrieve your favorite pen (or grab a Bic-make it easy). Retrieve a few notecards from your unique precious stash of hand-crafted cards (or grab an old box from your drawer-no pressure for perfection, remember).
The Practice
Sit comfortably and reflect on your people.
Who arises in your mind?
How does your heart feel?
What softens on your face?
Notice your breath.
Address the envelope of your card to your person.
Do not overthink your choices.
Begin writing with this prompt:
You came into my mind, and my heart today, and I want to share my gratitude. You …
Name the qualities of this person you appreciate.
Describe the way this person makes you feel.
Share a story or experience with details about this person you recall and cherish.
Trust that when your hand begins to move, grateful thoughts and expressions will arrive.
Your job is to express your gratitude.
Close your note of gratitude.
Seal your envelope.
Place a stamp on the card.
Pause for a moment.
Register the feeling of gratitude in your body.
Lower your gaze.
Feel the sensations inside your body.
Notice the places in your body you feel movement, pressure, and varied temperature.
Appreciate the feeling of gratitude.
Recognize how gratitude feels in your body.
Your body is expressing gratitude.
Post Practice
Commit to practicing gratitude by generating the feeling within your body – learning to recognize your unique somatic experience of gratitude.
Deepening Practice
Notes of Gratitude
by Gayle | Dec 29, 2022
Hello wonderful you,
Nothing propels a generous joyful state of mind and a wider heart than appreciation. In this deepening practice, you are asked to focus on who you love, why, and write those messages on paper. As well, you are asked to recall those who are challenging for you to love, why they are a challenge, and write those challenges on paper.
The former writing of appreciations, you send to your recipient.
The latter writing of challenges, you offer up to the earth for release to expand your freedom, joy, and compassion.
Preparation:
Retrieve your favorite pen (or grab a Bic-make it easy). Retrieve a few notecards from your unique precious stash of hand-crafted cards (or grab an old box from your drawer-no pressure for perfection). Retrieve lined paper or sticky notes too.
The Appreciation Practice
Sit comfortably and reflect on your people.
Who arises in your mind?
How does your heart feel?
What softens on your face?
Notice your breath.
Address the envelope of your card to your person.
Do not overthink your choices.
Begin writing with this prompt:
You came into my mind, and my heart today, and I want to share my gratitude. You …
Name the qualities of this person you appreciate.
Describe the way this person makes you feel.
Share a story or experience with details about this person you recall and cherish.
Trust that when your hand begins to move, grateful thoughts and expressions will arrive.
Your job is to express your gratitude.
Close your note of gratitude.
Seal your envelope.
Place a stamp on the card.
Pause for a moment.
Register the feeling of gratitude in your body.
Lower your gaze.
Feel the sensations inside your body.
Notice the places in your body you feel movement, pressure, and varied temperature.
Appreciate the feeling of gratitude.
Recognize how gratitude feels in your body.
Your body is expressing gratitude.
The Releasing Challenge Practice
Sit comfortably and reflect on those who you struggle to love – for any reason.
Who arises in your mind?
What thoughts accompany this person?
How does your heart feel?
What sensations do you notice in your body?
Notice your breath.
With your lined paper (or sticky notes) and pen, write the name of the person on the paper.
Your writing is to loosen the grip of struggle, learn and release.
Follow this prompt to begin writing:
When I bring you to mind, I struggle. My relationship with you challenges me. I notice ….
Name the qualities of this person that challenge you.
Describe the way this person makes you feel.
Note words or phrases that feel heavy, sticky, or active currently.
I wish that … (finish this prompt with one wish).
Complete your release by offering the writing to the earth.
Read the words on the paper and then – bury in the ground, burn in a fire, let these challenges go without resistance in your chosen method.
Post Practice
For your gratitude notes, reflect often on who you love, why and how they make you feel. Generate the feeling of gratitude in your body. Express gratitude generously and spontaneously to others when you feel gratitude in your awareness.
For your challenging practice, write in your journal or notebook responses to the reflection questions about your experience of naming your struggle, and releasing the struggle.
- What did you notice about the quality of gratitude and the quality of struggle?
- What patterns showed themselves in your way of connecting to those you love and those who challenge you?
- How easy or challenging was it to move from gratitude to struggle?
- What was your experience releasing your challenging relationships to the earth?
- How can this practice support your joy, freedom, and compassion?