Kindness Continuum

by | Feb 20, 2020

Hello Friends,

Four days ago I was told I was difficult. Coming to the end of a small two-bedroom cottage renovation project, on the heels of—four exhausting ten-hour days clearing my mother’s paper files and documents,on the heels of—both parents dying eight months apart,on the heels of—emotional flares and family conflict,on the heels of—a delayed office move for our business established in one location for 30 years,on the heels of—a very long list…

…my contractor told me I was difficult.
 
My “on the heels” overwhelm ignited reactivity to the point where I did not recognize myself. My crispy unconscious behavior was not ladylike (my mother would say). Science lets me know that my primitive brain was on full-tilt, experiencing survival threats. At one point in the conversation, after naming renovation mistakes, and rehashing my flaws, I broke down sobbing and asked him to be kind.
 
In my shame and self-loathing, I said I need a little kindness. I’m not doing too well.
 
Post that moment, I followed the thread of experience to gain a well-earned nugget of realization. First I listened to my body: hot churning sensations in my belly. In my heart and jaw—shame, despair, fear, and anger. I found pride in my spine, which mobilized me.  

I looked even deeper at difficult. In a nano-second, I saw what was so, and accepted that indeed, I was difficult. The situation was difficult. (Renovation or construction 1000 miles away…difficult in any circumstance!) My acceptance of truth lifted me up to express a heart-felt apology—no quivers or shakes or pitiful shame; simply, clearly and true. I am sorry, with full acknowledgement that the experience was difficult and my energy contributed to the difficulty. The heart impression carrying these words opened the space for him to express an apology to me. It was grace in action. Soon thereafter I shared my gratitude to him for cutting through my neurosis. 

In appreciation for seeing something I did not want to see before, a Kindness Continuum emerged, a fluid linear measurement of kindness potential. Mother Theresa and the Dalai Lama rest on one end; Hitler and Saddam Hussein land on the other. 


KIND                                                                                                        CRUEL
(Mother Teresa, Dalai Lama)                                        (Hitler, Saddam Hussein)


Yes, polarities on this kindness continuum are so basic, first-graders could use it. But for those of us scraping the barrel, hitting rock bottom, knee-walking, basic simplicity is kind. Are you falling on your face? Has life cut your legs out from under you? Do you end the day saturated in sweat?

Kindness begins with our own sense of self-care and compassion. Just as soon as I saw my behavior, I turned my blades inward cutting deep. “I know better.” The chatter that dances right along with my sharp edges.

We mirror this cruel behavior and these patterns with self and others when money ignites primal fear, family wounds, societal directives, global mishaps. I want you to see how pervasive cruelty can be in all situations—money especially—and the potential kindness brings.

Kindness is the soft edge of a wave.
Kindness is the gentle glide of water on our skin.
Kindness buoys us as we float on top of the ocean.

This month’s one-minute water sit video was taken on Indian Rocks Beach where I grew up. The winds were strong; the temperature cold; the beach vacant. Gulf waves full of energy and power push us around and wear us out. Can you feel the effort required to stay safe?

Look closer and feel the potential waves of kindness, in the movement, in the letting go, in the going with. Imagine these waves are your overwhelm, or the crispy unconscious behavior you express or cruelty you have received …

Are you willing to look closer?
How are these waves an invitation to kindness, moving away from cruelty?
What would be a kind way, a kind move, a kind touch?
Where are the tender places awaiting kindness?

Start inside, inside our body. My heart burns like an old kerosene lamp. Though teetering on the edges, I choose kindness. Though vulnerable, choosing to reveal my crispy flaws, my humanness, is kind. I am still lovable. And so are you, especially if you have been knee-walking in mess, seeking relief—the only ways you know how.

Draw a line. Put Kind on one end, Cruel on the other.
Circle kind and say out loud, “I choose kind.”
Put your hand on your heart and say out loud, “I am kind.”

Let’s be kindness enthusiasts and evolve our kindness continuum into a spiraling circle of kindness, joy and peace. But first… there is kindness.

Threading kindness to my heart,

Gayle


Be Moved to Practice

Wherever you are, stop to be fully with the water as you play this One Minute Water Sit.
 
Recall a recent moment when you felt crispy and curt.
Note your spot on the kindness continuum—free of judgment.
Give in to the crashing waves.
Allow the movement to meet your tension—the hard-held places that feel so potent and painful.
Softening with the water movement, follow the light foam to freedom.
 
Repeat as desired.