Unconditional Positive Regard

by | Jul 13, 2022

Listen to Gayle reading the blog aloud.

Hello my friend,

Unconditional positive regard.

Whisper this phrase slowly and let the meaning deepen.

Unconditional positive regard.

What do you notice?
Do thoughts arise? (that’s hard, rare, yeah, in what reality)
Are sensations present in your body? (tingling, tightness, tremors)
Are emotions surfacing? (hope, sadness, frustration)

This phrase—not new to me—has my full attention. It reflects my intent for kindness, clarity and right action, a view that nurtures dignity, and when we nurture dignity, we all benefit and we all do better.

This phrase is embedded in a guiding principle for a community I belong to that gathers monthly. It goes like this: We strive for unconditional positive regard in each encounter with ourselves and with others. (If you want to know the community, email or private message me.)

Let the meaning of the statement sink deeper, deeper in your body.

I notice softness and tenderness in my eyes and chest.
I notice hope and possibility as fresh breath fills my lungs.
I notice curiosity. Hmm, I wonder how this commitment serves the words falling on this page right now — inspiring me to inspire others?

There are millions of reasons why unconditional positive regard is not a way of being we naturally inhabit. There are millions of teachers, books and writing explaining why.

So, let’s not go there.

Let’s take a tiny step and look at the end of the full statement – with ourselves and with others.

We cannot have unconditional positive regard for others if we do not have unconditional regard for ourselves. As well, we cannot have unconditional positive regard for ourselves if we do not have unconditional regard for others.

Our heart-awareness illuminates the inseparability of this truth. But we have the “stuff of being human” that gets in our way. So, let’s play.

Does unconditional positive regard interest you?

First the words capture our cognitive dream. It seems really simple. It is. Unconditional positive regard is a simple view for relating to ourselves, to others and to the world around us. Yet, this view is difficult to maintain and even harder to embody.

Our head cannot maintain the view, but our heart can… and then some.

We encourage these words to drop into our heart.
Words in our heart take new shape, new vibrancy, new energy.
Words grow beyond concepts. They spark life.

Ask yourself:
What does unconditional positive regard feel like in my body?
What is my felt experience when I hold unconditional positive regard for myself?
What do I feel with others as I offer unconditional positive regard?
What happens for others and what happens in the space around me?
What might it feel like to live as unconditional positive regard?
What does my body say when I encounter the world with eyes of unconditional positive regard?

Yes. Unconditional Positive Regard is our Tiny Practice for July. ☺

I contend that until we commit to unconditional positive regard in each encounter, and choose to practice as a way of relating in all situations, we will struggle with money.

You did know I would make the connection of positive regard and money, didn’t you?

Money is void of respect; it is neutral.
Money simply operates in our human soup of scarcity, greed and egoic control.
Yet, we also know and experience moments of generosity, sufficiency, and actions toward justice that dot our existence… so there is hope.

These moments of grace help to change the lens and experience of money because they help us practice unconditional positive regard.

Let’s begin with the first step: a declaration to live by:

I intend to see through my eyes and heart with unconditional positive regard.

The second step is practice. Choose the tiny practice offered here or another that supports your muscle-building of unconditional positive regard.

Beaming unconditional joy and positive regard,


Tiny Body Practice

Unconditional Positive Regard

Listen to an audio of the practice.

When we practice unconditional positive regard, we might experience neutrality at the beginning. Neutrality might seem and feel like “not positive enough.” Release these evaluative concepts and continue to practice. Unconditional positive regard is a practice and if we are new to this practice, we warm up first.

Commit to unconditional positive regard with this vow (or one of your own) — I intend to see through my eyes and heart with unconditional positive regard —and see what unfolds in your direct experience.

Preparation

To begin, reflect upon the easiest place to give positive attention. It is not the same for each of us. Is it with yourself? Is it with others? Some find it easier to give unconditional positive regard to themselves. Others might struggle with giving positive regard to themselves and find it easier to give to a loved one. Still others might find it easiest with nature and the world around them.

What is your way of ease with unconditional positive regard? Register this truth for you.

Recognizing your way of ease, notice a general sense of yourself. (If you have an easier time giving attention to another, visualize a loved one next to you.)

How are you viewing yourself in this moment – positive, neutral, negative?

Take a satisfying breath and let your answer go.

The Practice

Begin by giving attention to your heart.
Place your left hand on your heart and your right hand over your left.
Breathe under your palms.
Allow each breath to deepen.
Allow each breath to soften and slow.
Feel your heart space.
What sensations do you notice?

Give your heart unconditional positive regard.
Say hello heart.
Ask, heart, how are you?
Close your eyes and listen for an answer.

Stay with your heart.
Get familiar with your heart space.
Get familiar with the sensations in your heart.
Get familiar with unconditional positive regard.

Now close your eyes.
Feel your breath blossom under your hands.
Release your hands.
Abiding in your heart, feel your chest expand.
Feel your heart move and grow in all directions.

Front heart
Back heart
Sides – left and right
Bottom heart
Top heart

Stay here as long as you desire.
Express gratitude to your heart for showing you unconditional positive regard.

P.S. Continue practice for two weeks. Our deepening practice in two weeks will expand this unconditional positive regard practice.

Post Practice

Ask yourself:
What does my heart feel like as unconditional positive regard?
What is my felt experience as I learn unconditional positive regard?
What is my heart teaching me about unconditional positive regard?


Deepening Practice

Unconditional Positive Regard

by Gayle | Jul 28, 2022

Hello Beautiful You,

A writer never knows how their words will land. We share through our lens and inspiration to connect and feed that inspiration forward. I received many unconditional positive responses from this month’s blog on the topic. Thank you for the feedback. It was lovely. The magic, humor, and divine play of your kind responses is the exact point I am writing about and encouraging us to practice.

Let’s deepen and widen our practice of Unconditional Positive Regard.

Let’s flood the field of our life, and that of others, with Unconditional Positive Regard.

Let’s change the mood, the hearts, the minds of humans to inhabit a better world… one smile, one gesture, one explicit nod of encouragement, at a time.


Tiny Body Practice

Unconditional Positive Regard

Listen to the practice.

Practice Preparation:

As you get started with this deepening practice, note that your experience practicing unconditional positive regard might feel neutral or like nothing. Neutrality might seem and feel – “not positive enough.” Release these evaluative concepts and continue to practice. Unconditional positive regard is a practice and if we are new to this practice, we warm up first.

Commit to unconditional positive regard with this vow (or one of your own) – I intend to see through my eyes and heart with unconditional positive regard – and see what unfolds in your direct experience.

Practice Preparation:

To begin this tiny practice, choose the easiest place to give positive attention. It is not the same for each of us. Some might start with self, then move to others (in a particular order) and then the world around them. Others might struggle with giving positive regard to themselves and find it easier to give to a loved one. Still others might find it easiest with nature and the world around them.

Before entering practice, choose your first, second and third order of attention. [Side note, do not judge your order as better or worse… it is what it is, for you!] Engage your practice in this order.

Then, follow instructions below. For this example, I use self as the focus of attention.
We will choose different body parts and shower each part with kind attention.
This practice can be as long or short as you desire.

The Practice

First notice a general sense of self and how you view yourself – positive, neutral, negative.
Take a satisfying breath and let your answer go.

We begin with our feet and move up to our head.

Focus attention on your feet.
Place your soles flat on the ground and feel the connection to the earth.
Notice any energy with the connection and appreciate how your feet feel.
Are they tired? Are they in pain? Are they strong? Are they lively?
Breathe into the top, bottom and sides of your feet.
Recognize your feet hold you up. They have supported you and your mobility from toddler age until now. They assist you to stand in an adult posture.
Find one thing about your feet you appreciate and express this to your feet.

Move up your legs to your shins and calves.
Notice how they feel. Are they achy, numb, streaming, tight?
Breathe into all sides of your lower legs.
Recognize your calves and shins are a vital part of your legs, connecting ankles to your knees.
Recall activities you might have engaged that tapped the strength of your calves and shins… running, walking, ballet, soccer, standing tall.
Find one thing about your calves and shins you appreciate and express to them.

Move up your legs, blow a kiss to your thighs and hamstrings.
Rest your attention on your hips and pelvic floor.
Notice how they feel. Is there tension, tightness, flow?
Does your breath soften or get shallow?
Be with what arises. Be gentle. Be present.
Recognize the structure and carriage your pelvis holds-the root of your torso.
Recall hip and pelvis activities, there are many- walking, birthing babies, dancing, making love.
Find one thing you appreciate about your hips and pelvis. Express your appreciation.

Move through your belly and ribcage with a generous hug.
Arrive at your heart and rest your attention.
Notice how your heart feels. Is your heart tender, open, or armored?
Breathe into your heart for a few breaths.
Let stillness, silence and space arise in the heartwomb.
You are home in your heart, stay as long as you like.
Recognize the vitality, strength and connection your heart fosters with your entire body.
Recognize the vitality, strength and connection your heart fosters with others, and the world.
Allow your heart to expand, feel and recall a love moment.
Let that love energy coarse through your body.
Appreciate your lovability and return your appreciation to your heart.

Take your attention sideways toward your shoulders and down your arms.
Recall your last hug. Give yourself a hug. Wrap your arms around your sides and back.
Breathe. Feel your chest expand as your arms rise and fall. You are amazing!
Release your arms and rest your attention in your hands.
Recognize the life of your arms beginning at your shoulders and ending at your fingertips.
Find one spot on your arms between these two points.
What do you appreciate about this part of your body?
Express your appreciation.

Bring your hands to your face placing them on your cheeks.
Gently pat your cheeks, slowly gliding and touching all parts of your face: eyes, nose, lips, chin, jaw and move to the sides of your neck, your ears, the top of your head, the back of your head.
Massage your entire head for as long as it feels good.
Keep your hands on your head (or release) as you give attention to your head, your skull, your brain.
Recognize the face and brains of your identity are known through a name given at birth.
Take a beat or two to let that awareness sink deeper.
Find one aspect of you that you appreciate about yourself.
Out-loud, state your name and your appreciation.

Take a moment, take a few breaths, allowing your exhale to be a bit longer than your inhale.

Complete your practice with these reflection questions:

  • What does it feel like to live as unconditional positive regard?
  • What is my felt experience when I hold unconditional positive regard for myself?
  • What do I feel in my body as I give unconditional positive regard to my physical body?
  • What sensations did I notice and how did my unconditional positive regard affect them?
  • What thoughts arose and how did my unconditional positive regard affect them?
  • What emotions surfaced and how did my unconditional positive regard affect them?

Allow answers to arrive without grasping.
Close your practice with a heart bow. And if you choose, write in your journal your discoveries.

For additional exploration, answer these reflection questions in your notebook.

  • What do I feel with others as I offer unconditional positive regard?
  • What happens for others and what happens in the space around me?
  • How does my body feel when I encounter the world with eyes of unconditional positive regard?